Chained To The Past
by Amanda Hawthorn
Summary: What happened after Grissim confronted Sara in her apartment? Post ND fic. GS


DISCLAIMER: CSI belongs to CBS and Alliance-Atlantis Productions. No infringement intended.

SUMMARY: The GS scene. What happened after Sara started crying?

AUTHORS' NOTES: We in the UK haven't seen this ep yet but I've seen the clips. I can't wait until it airs here, but I'm very lucky to have my wonderful friend Tamara download them for me. This is for you hun, you're a star!

Also huge thanks to Marlou for beta-ing and for being my rock over the past few months. You, Niff and Laura Katharine have kept me sane and I don't think I'd have gotten through the last few months without you. Love to you all

This story will probably become part of a series due to Marlou's suggestions!

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She tried so hard to keep her emotions hidden from him. Tried so hard to smother the ache that had threatened to tear her in two for the last few years, but even she had to succumb to the power and grief of her lost childhood.

She could feel his eyes upon her, deep and compassionate, and for a few seconds she couldn't understand how she had managed to keep this misery bottled up inside her for so many years. But with that same feeling came the harshness of truth. He was only here because she had lost control in the lab, letting her temper, and muddled emotions, take the upper hand.

Sniffing back the tears she tried to avert the subject, tried to force him to change his reasons for coming here to her apartment. If she could only avoid his questioning eyes then she could deny that which was slowly destroying her and hide once again behind her façade of a life. But he wasn't going to let her do that.

"Sara," his voice was soft, yet demanding at the same time. "I want to know why you're so angry."

His words filtered through to her foggy brain and she shook her head, pleading with her eyes for him to back away and let her wallow in her own memories. "Leave it alone."

"I can't do that, Sara."

"Please, Grissom. Please leave it alone." She dropped her eyes from his and tried to focus on anything but him, but when she heard the soft material of her couch scrunch beneath his weight, she knew he was here for the duration.

Her eyes flitted around her living room, looking anywhere but at him. Yet she could feel him closer now than ever before. In some weird sense, his presence calmed her.

"I…" her voice faltered slightly as she gathered the courage to relive the memories that only served to keep her awake at night. Did he really need to know it all? Everything?

Lifting her eyes to his she could see the understanding in his deep blue depths and before she knew it, her voice had come from nowhere to reveal most of the hidden secrets that she had kept buried for so long.

In all the time she talked, he listened intently. Her admission of not being able to remember the woman's name that had taken her to safety almost caused his own emotions to topple. He watched with increasing awareness as she struggled with the tears that he'd seen shimmering in her eyes long before she had begun her harrowing tale. So much anguish, so much heartache; now he understood why she'd reeled out of control.

Everything slipped into place now and he nodded with acceptance, for her and the burdens she carried. He could see her struggling to keep in control. He could see how she fought to keep her emotions buried from him, but he could also see her walls starting to crack under the pressure of her sorrows.

"I thought it was normal," she whispered softly, breaking him from his thoughts. "But when my mother killed my father…" her voice trailed off slightly before she looked away from him. "… I knew it wasn't."

Grissom swallowed hard and tried to keep his own emotions in control. He knew her tears would break him; he hated to see her cry. And for a moment he thought she would slip away again when she turned her face from him. He watched, struggling for something to say but knowing that any words he whispered to her would be of little comfort now. For a few agonizing seconds he thought she would retreat from him again, but then the dam burst.

Her face crumbled as one tear followed another, cleansing her soul as she poured the past out through every tear. One hand covered her face in an attempt to shield her anguish but she failed miserably. Her breath eluded her, her chest constricting in shallow painful gasps as she struggled to breathe. The excruciating ache that had kept a huge lead weight around her shoulders for so many years had slowly started to collapse, letting the despair ease out of her with every sob.

He watched helplessly while she cried, deep wracking sobs that cascaded tears over her face as she cried out her pain. He wanted so much to do something, anything that would ease her grief.

He ached to touch her. She ignited something deep down inside of him, something that was becoming almost impossible to deny. He craved her at times, and as much as her closeness scared him, he wanted to feel her, to help her with the traumas she was still afflicted with every day. Tentatively, he inched closer; desperate to offer her anything that would help ease her tears.

Leaning forward, he reached for her hand and held on tightly, sending her every ounce of strength he had. Her fingers curled around his, seeking his comfort no matter how little he could offer her. She needed him now. She needed him to help her heal the wound he had brought to the surface with his persistence. Sara knew she couldn't do this alone anymore, she didn't even know if she had the will left to do it.

Grissom could feel her energy waning; it coursed through him like a blinding thunderbolt. Seeing her pain, feeling her now so close to him, he suddenly wasn't so afraid anymore. Moving closer he reached for her and pulled her shaking form into his arms.

Her body was shuddering with sobs but she kept her arms wrapped tightly around her waist, afraid to let his closeness mean more than it was, just his attempt to comfort her. She wanted so much to sink into his arms and never emerge. She wanted to believe that he would hold her for an eternity, and give her everything she had craved for so long, but she knew in the end he wouldn't be able to give her anything more. So she took what he offered, and let him slip his arms around her.

"It's okay," he soothed softly pulling her closer to him. "Shhh…it'll be okay."

His words only caused her to cry harder, the emptiness they brought only serving to fuel her anguish. Nothing would ever be right again. How could she face anyone when this was all over? Her safely hidden secrets had been one of the few things that gave her focus and the strength to continue fighting. Now that he knew the truth, would it change how he treated her? Would he look upon her with pity in his eyes?

His arms tightened around her before he sought out her hand again. Weaving his fingers through hers he tugged gently on her hand and uncurled her arms from her waist so that he could pull her tighter into his embrace.

Sara followed blindly, her need for comfort outweighing her logic to push all the doubts to the back of her mind. Edging closer she slipped an arm around his waist and buried her head into the crook of his neck.

His scent invaded her senses bringing with it more tears as she cried out her pain for her lost childhood, her lost family, her lack of a life and the knowledge that she would probably die old and alone because the man she loved was emotionally unavailable. Everything had suddenly become too much to bear and it all burst to the surface to bring her over the edge of the chasm. She was losing the battle with her past, and it was slowly destroying her, pulling her down into darkness and despair.

Grissom closed his eyes when he felt her whole body shaking against him. He'd known deep down for so long that she was carrying a heavy burden. He'd instinctively known by the way she had kept herself at a distance from the rest of the team and her readiness to work every holiday so that she wouldn't have to spend the time alone. He'd always felt a much deeper tie with her than the rest of his team, but up until now he had never admitted it to himself.

He'd fought his feelings for so long. He'd tried to deny the fact that she had any hold over him whatsoever, but his actions now spoke louder than any words ever could; that he had to take some of the blame for what she was going through now. She'd reached out to him so many times, offered him a world that he could have so easily accepted but had been too afraid to take. He'd pushed her away and ignored her pain because he was too busy being caught up with his own, and now he had hurt her again by forcing her to relive a past that would be any person's nightmare.

Bringing a hand to her head, he pulled her closer and held her tightly until she had no more strength left to cry.

It seemed hours before her tears started to subside; yet he kept his arms around her, still unwilling to release her. He could feel her breath on his shoulder and her burning face scorching his skin, but right now he wouldn't trade this moment with anyone.

They stayed in the same position for a long time, neither one wanting to move or break the embrace that had brought them so close together. Grissom wanted her to heal more than anything, but even the thought of opening up and revealing himself to her, scared him beyond relief. But he wanted to at least try and be the man she needed him to be.

Sara closed her eyes and relished the feel of his arms around her for a few more moments before she attempted to move from his embrace. She knew they couldn't stay like this forever, no matter how much she wanted it to last.

Taking a deep breath she slowly pushed herself up, all the while keeping him close to her. She wasn't ready to break the contact yet or to end this intimate moment between them. His arms made her feel safe and protected, and she liked being this close to him more than she cared to admit. But it had to end sometime.

Grissom felt her slipping away from his embrace and he reluctantly let her go. His hands slid over her arms, gliding down until their fingers entwined. He couldn't seem to unclasp their hands, he, too, feeling the loss between them.

Sara closed her eyes briefly before gaining the courage to look up into his face, but still careful to avoid his eyes. She didn't know what she would see in them but she knew she would never be ready to see the pity that would no doubt be emanating from those deep blue orbs.

"Sara…" his voice was soft although it shook slightly as he spoke. He slipped one hand from hers and moved it to her face, his fingers grazing her cheek as he lifted her chin. His breath caught in his throat when he saw how flushed her face had become. But when her eyes lifted to meet his own he was unprepared for the intensity he could see in them.

His voice died on his lips and anything he had prepared to say to her just vanished from his mind. Her spark that had always ignited the fire within her had all but gone from her eyes and it scared him.

Sara could feel the tears welling up inside her again but she held them back, unwilling to let them resurface and claim her. Taking a shuddering breath she prepared herself to pull away from him totally, but then he did something that she was totally unprepared for; he held on tight.

"I'm glad you told me," he whispered gently.

A single tear slipped down her cheek and she found herself at a loss for words. Unable to reply she simply nodded silently, unwilling to believe that this was a new turning point in their already complicated relationship.

Grissom could see her wariness and he couldn't blame her for doubting his actions, even though he didn't know what all of this meant himself yet. He opted for giving her hand another squeeze instead of finding meaningless things to say. All he knew was that he couldn't leave her alone like this, not when he needed her touch as much as she needed his.

Sitting back against the couch, Grissom silently invited her back into his arms again. He saw the look of uncertainty cross her features briefly before she tentatively leaned forward and laid her head against his chest, willing to accept what little he could offer.

Grissom's arms encircled her once more holding her close to him. His fingers absentmindedly combed through the silken strands of her hair, soothing her. Sara was so tired, both mentally and physically, and she needed his comfort more than she would ever admit. Closing her eyes against the memories, she let his touch surround her, lulling her into a dreamless sleep.

When he heard her breathing deepen, Grissom's hand stilled in her hair. Shifting slightly, he glanced down into her sleeping face and felt his heart skip a beat. He couldn't remember a time when he had felt this close to another human being. The intensity scared him but excited him at the same time.

He watched her for a long moment, his eyes scanning every inch of her face. He knew she stirred deep feelings within him. He knew that she had the ability to turn him inside out without having to say a word. And he knew that the feelings he had been feeling for her for so long went far deeper than anything he'd ever felt before. He just hoped that he could gain the courage to do something about them before she lost interest in him altogether and moved on.

The sudden beep from his pager broke through the silence and brought him back into reality. He didn't want to leave her but he knew he would have to. He stole a few seconds more, wanting to selfishly keep her beside him, before slowly untangling her from his arms. Reluctantly he eased her down onto the couch, instantly yearning for her again.

For a long moment he just gazed down into her sleeping face, torn between needing to leave and wanting to stay. He knew neither of them were ready for anything more than what they had already given, but he still fought with everything he had to not succumb to the feelings that were burning deep inside him.

With a heavy sigh he knelt down beside her sleeping form and brushed a stray strand of hair away from her face. She looked so peaceful as she lay there and even though he wanted to wake her to say goodbye, he knew she needed as much rest as she could.

Pulling his note pad and pen from his pocket he scribbled a few words on the pad and removed the single sheet to place it on the coffee table where she would easily see it. His pager beeped again and for a moment he considered throwing it across the room in defiance of its intrusion. He needed to leave, he had to, but when Sara's breath caught on a sob while she slept he could feel the instant changes inside him. He wanted so much to stay with her, to offer her comfort and be the person she leaned on. He missed her.

A war raged inside him, his rational brain countering every one of the reasons he'd thought of to stay. But what would he say to her when she awoke to find him still there? What would she say when she awoke to find him gone? Either way, whatever he did would hurt her and that was the last thing he ever wanted to do.

Casting his eyes towards the note he'd left for her, he wondered if the words he'd written would be enough to let her know that he would still be supporting her, and that everything she'd told him would stay with him and only him, until she told him otherwise. Maybe he should have written more, what if she misunderstood and thought of this as another one of his rejections?

Shaking his head he retrieved the note and re-read it several times before adding, '_I'll drop by later.'_ His task right now would be to clear up this mess with Ecklie and make sure that Catherine understood that there would be no more mention of this incident, neither from her or Sara. He'd take responsibility and make way for Sara to return to work. There was no way he would ever make her go through this nightmare alone anymore.

Bending down again, he gently ran his fingers across her cheek before replacing his note back onto the table. Reluctantly, he moved away from her and towards the front door, his legs growing heavier with every step.

Glancing back, his eyes memorized her sleeping form once more before he pulled open the door quietly to exit her apartment. Something had changed between them today. Something had altered his nice safe world to turn it on its head and as he made his way down to the sidewalk where his Yukon awaited, he knew it was something that he could no longer deny. He cared for her, more than he ever thought he could.

The End


End file.
